Here I go...

On March 17, 2011, I took my son to get an immunization shot.  I had gotten a letter from his school nurse saying he couldn’t come back after Spring Break without the shot.  He was thrilled about this option and quickly let me know he would stay with Grandma – NO PROBLEM.  I was just a week before my birthday and so I scheduled my yearly check-up at the same time.  Have you ever been in such denial about something that you have even convinced yourself that the lies in your head are truth?  I knew.  I knew before March 17^th, but I was perfectly happy living in my fantasy.  I actually believed that doctor would say everything was fine and I would move on with my life.  After all, I felt fine.  FINE.  As long as you didn’t count the tingling in my fingers, the shortness of breath, the sleep apnea, the acid reflux, the constant thirst, and the 100 trips to the bathroom every day.  FINE.   So, when I called the following Monday to get my lab results, the shock in my voice when the nurse said I needed to come in and meet with Dr.Mefford was real or at least I’m sure she thought it was.  I made the appointment for the following Wednesday.  Wednesday, March 23, 2011.  The day I would sit in a doctor’s office, alone, in denial, and scared to death as he said the “D” word.  Diabetes. 

The bad news…yes, I have it. Yes, it’s bad – along with my blood pressure and cholesterol.  Yes, it runs in my family – both sides.  There is medicine that will help me, but it will keep me sick.  It’ll never go away.

The good news…it can be cured.  Yes, cured.  It’s not easy, but it can be done.  All of it can just go away. 

The really good news…God is on my side, along with the most amazing group of friends and family in the world. 

So, I made a decision that day. As I sat and cried, my doctor talked about my husband, and my job, and  my children.  He said, “You love them, right?  You want to be here for them, right?”  And I said, “I would lay down and die for them.”  My doctor looked me straight in the eye and said, “Dying is easy.  I need you to live for them.  Are you willing to live for them?”  I hung my head in shame.

Ashamed because I had given up years ago.  Ashamed because I had decided that I would just die rather than face the fear of another failed diet.  Ashamed because if I really loved and wanted what was best for my kids then failure would not be an option.     Ashamed of all the times I had tried and failed before.  Ashamed of all the promises I had made (mostly to myself) and broken.  And then I just decided…

to live for them.  My first reaction was to keep it a secret.  I told my husband, my sister, and a few close friends.  But the more I thought about it, I decided that all the secrecy is part of the problem.  It helps with the denial.  So, here it is for everyone to see.  My thoughts, my fears, my struggles, my failures,  and hopefully some successes.  I think even people who are very close to me will learn more about me through this blog.  I think you’ll learn just how deep my faith is.  I think you’ll learn just how scared I am to fail.  I think some will learn that I’m not as sweet as you thought and others will learn that I’m not as mean as you thought.  I hope I learn to trust more.  Because after a lifetime of giving up when the going got tough, running away, and shutting people out, I am now standing at a cross roads.  I know the statistics are stacked against me.  I know this is going to be the fight of my life.  I know the path I am choosing is narrow and hard to walk, but I also know this – “small is the gate and narrow the path that leads to life” (Matthew 7:14 )  And I’m ready to live. 

It’s been two weeks since that day and I have lost 15 pounds.  Don’t get too excited.  My doctor said that I am so overweight and so out of shape that the first 50 would fall off with just a little change.  Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of what I’ve done and the changes I’ve made.  I just don’t want to get over excited.  The going hasn’t gotten tough, yet.   This is definitely going to be a marathon and not a sprint.  My first goal…lose 30 pounds in 3 months.  So, June 23^rd is the big day.  I have to lose and keep off 30 pounds.  So, come along for the ride or just say a prayer for me.  Either way, here I go…The Narrow Path.