I can see it

The picture on the right was taken on March 11, 2011 at my son's birthday party.  It was just days before my journey began.  The picture on the left was taken June 25, 2011 at a cousin's wedding.  I didn't want to take either picture.  In fact, they are the only pictures I posed for at either event.  I have been running from cameras for several years now, just couldn't stand to look at myself.  However, a strange thing happened when I received the wedding picture yesterday.  I smiled.  It didn't make me cringe or feel ashamed.  For the first time, I could "see" what everyone has been telling me.  Because although everyone says really nice things to me, I just couldn't see it.  My clothes fit better and some don't fit at all, and I know the scale in my bathroom is not lying to me, but I just really couldn't see it.  But as I looked at this picture I could "see" it - at least for a few minutes until my eyes filled with tears.  I know I'm still a long way from where I need to be, but the first step sure does feel good.  My doctor was super impressed, too.  Numbers are not perfect, but they are better, and now I have a new goal.  Another 3 months and another 30 pounds.  I'll keep you updated.   

Long time, no blog.

I haven't written in a while.  Thought about it a lot, but made an excuse everytime of why I couldn't.  The truth is this weight loss thing is hard, but not in the way I thought it would be.  I'm not hungry.  I'm not deprived.  The real truth is the weight has a lot less to do with food than I would have ever believed.  It's hard because of what the weight represents.  Pain.  Years and layers of pain.  And like an onion being peeled, as a layer of weight comes off the pain beneath it is revealed.  I used food to cover and avoid pain.  Just like a drug addict or an alcoholic uses drugs and alcohol to hide and not feel the emotions they don't want to feel, I used food.  You know how you eat until you are miserable full?  That's what I would do, everyday, 3 to 4 times a day.  Because when you are that full, you can't think, you can't feel.  Now almost everyday, something will come to me.  A memory or a feeling that I don't want to deal with.  Every cell in my body and brain tells me, "NO! NO! NO! You can NOT feel this. Hurry up and eat something so it'll go away."  And I don't eat.  I let the memory come.  I let the feeling happen.  It sometimes passes quickly, but sometimes has ended up in a 15 minute crying session.  But a funny thing happens...I live through it and I'm okay.  I've learned to pray my way through it and move on.  It's hard, but I'm getting through it a day and a feeling at a time.  It's even more ironic because I've always been the "strong one."  I was able to get through tasks without letting silly emotions and feelings get in my way.  Now I feel like I wear my emotions on my sleeve and it has taken some getting used to.  I know there will be a day when I feel strong again, but I also know it's important for me to feel and deal with all this stuff.  The way I see it, I'm getting physically strong and mentally strong at the same time.  Quick update on the weight - I've lost 35 pounds.  My doctor's appointment is next week and I'm super excited to have met and passed my first goal.  I promise to let you know how it goes and update you on my next goal.  Thanks for your encouragement.