I can see it

The picture on the right was taken on March 11, 2011 at my son's birthday party.  It was just days before my journey began.  The picture on the left was taken June 25, 2011 at a cousin's wedding.  I didn't want to take either picture.  In fact, they are the only pictures I posed for at either event.  I have been running from cameras for several years now, just couldn't stand to look at myself.  However, a strange thing happened when I received the wedding picture yesterday.  I smiled.  It didn't make me cringe or feel ashamed.  For the first time, I could "see" what everyone has been telling me.  Because although everyone says really nice things to me, I just couldn't see it.  My clothes fit better and some don't fit at all, and I know the scale in my bathroom is not lying to me, but I just really couldn't see it.  But as I looked at this picture I could "see" it - at least for a few minutes until my eyes filled with tears.  I know I'm still a long way from where I need to be, but the first step sure does feel good.  My doctor was super impressed, too.  Numbers are not perfect, but they are better, and now I have a new goal.  Another 3 months and another 30 pounds.  I'll keep you updated.   

Long time, no blog.

I haven't written in a while.  Thought about it a lot, but made an excuse everytime of why I couldn't.  The truth is this weight loss thing is hard, but not in the way I thought it would be.  I'm not hungry.  I'm not deprived.  The real truth is the weight has a lot less to do with food than I would have ever believed.  It's hard because of what the weight represents.  Pain.  Years and layers of pain.  And like an onion being peeled, as a layer of weight comes off the pain beneath it is revealed.  I used food to cover and avoid pain.  Just like a drug addict or an alcoholic uses drugs and alcohol to hide and not feel the emotions they don't want to feel, I used food.  You know how you eat until you are miserable full?  That's what I would do, everyday, 3 to 4 times a day.  Because when you are that full, you can't think, you can't feel.  Now almost everyday, something will come to me.  A memory or a feeling that I don't want to deal with.  Every cell in my body and brain tells me, "NO! NO! NO! You can NOT feel this. Hurry up and eat something so it'll go away."  And I don't eat.  I let the memory come.  I let the feeling happen.  It sometimes passes quickly, but sometimes has ended up in a 15 minute crying session.  But a funny thing happens...I live through it and I'm okay.  I've learned to pray my way through it and move on.  It's hard, but I'm getting through it a day and a feeling at a time.  It's even more ironic because I've always been the "strong one."  I was able to get through tasks without letting silly emotions and feelings get in my way.  Now I feel like I wear my emotions on my sleeve and it has taken some getting used to.  I know there will be a day when I feel strong again, but I also know it's important for me to feel and deal with all this stuff.  The way I see it, I'm getting physically strong and mentally strong at the same time.  Quick update on the weight - I've lost 35 pounds.  My doctor's appointment is next week and I'm super excited to have met and passed my first goal.  I promise to let you know how it goes and update you on my next goal.  Thanks for your encouragement.

My pride and joy

Dominick and Jeremy...my pride and joy.  Dominick makes me proud.  Jeremy brings me joy.  These two wild, fun, loud, and completely lovable kids have been entrusted to me and Ben.  Sent directly from God to us even though we don't deserve them.  Even though two different doctors told me I would never be able to carry them to term.  Even though sometimes we feel that we have no idea what we are doing.  Even though we mess up daily.  Here they are.  Smart and healthy and happy and loved by many.  Just two of the reasons I can not fail.  Just two of the reasons I have lost 18 pounds so far.  Just two of the reasons that failure is not an option.  Thank you God for Nick and Jerm.   

Homemade tortillas...a little piece of heaven, sent straight from hell!

Is there any food every invented that is as good as a homemade flour tortilla?  And even if something tastes better, I'd be willing to bet that nothing fills your mouth and your whole body with an all over warmth like that round, warm, crisp on the outside, soft on the inside, slice of heaven does.  It's pure evil, I tell you. I looked it up, 140 calories per tortilla.  So, even if you fill it with carrots, you can really only have one.  And who fills their breakfast taco with carrots?  Breakfast tacos are just an extension of the evil tortilla...eggs, bacon, sausage, fried potatoes, and cheese.  Those are the ingredients of a good breakfast taco.  So, where do I encounter this ever-dreaded breakfast taco today?  At church!  That's right, the youth group was selling them.  Set up right there in the church trying to pretend it was a good thing.  The most ironic part of the whole thing?  It was MY idea.  The Breakfast Club - youth sells breakfast once a month to raise money for summer camp.  Seemed like a really good idea at the time. 

So yesterday, I walked an extra 30 minutes.  I knew I wouldn't be able to resist.  I thought, "I'll just have 2."  And I did only have 2, until after church there were 10 tacos still laying on the counter and I was in charge of clean up.  I tried giving them away, I did.  But there I was, faced with one remaining taco and it was my favorite - potato and egg.  I ate it.  I was hungry.  It was after church and my stomach was rumbling.  I should have come home and eaten left over chicken chili from last night, but I ate it.  And it was good.  And it happened right there in the church, so I prayed.  And now I'm off to walk another 30 minutes. 

Dear God, I messed up...and I will continue to.  Please give me the courage to admit it, fix it, and move on. And please find a way to make homemade tortillas taste like rice cakes. 

Here I go...

On March 17, 2011, I took my son to get an immunization shot.  I had gotten a letter from his school nurse saying he couldn’t come back after Spring Break without the shot.  He was thrilled about this option and quickly let me know he would stay with Grandma – NO PROBLEM.  I was just a week before my birthday and so I scheduled my yearly check-up at the same time.  Have you ever been in such denial about something that you have even convinced yourself that the lies in your head are truth?  I knew.  I knew before March 17^th, but I was perfectly happy living in my fantasy.  I actually believed that doctor would say everything was fine and I would move on with my life.  After all, I felt fine.  FINE.  As long as you didn’t count the tingling in my fingers, the shortness of breath, the sleep apnea, the acid reflux, the constant thirst, and the 100 trips to the bathroom every day.  FINE.   So, when I called the following Monday to get my lab results, the shock in my voice when the nurse said I needed to come in and meet with Dr.Mefford was real or at least I’m sure she thought it was.  I made the appointment for the following Wednesday.  Wednesday, March 23, 2011.  The day I would sit in a doctor’s office, alone, in denial, and scared to death as he said the “D” word.  Diabetes. 

The bad news…yes, I have it. Yes, it’s bad – along with my blood pressure and cholesterol.  Yes, it runs in my family – both sides.  There is medicine that will help me, but it will keep me sick.  It’ll never go away.

The good news…it can be cured.  Yes, cured.  It’s not easy, but it can be done.  All of it can just go away. 

The really good news…God is on my side, along with the most amazing group of friends and family in the world. 

So, I made a decision that day. As I sat and cried, my doctor talked about my husband, and my job, and  my children.  He said, “You love them, right?  You want to be here for them, right?”  And I said, “I would lay down and die for them.”  My doctor looked me straight in the eye and said, “Dying is easy.  I need you to live for them.  Are you willing to live for them?”  I hung my head in shame.

Ashamed because I had given up years ago.  Ashamed because I had decided that I would just die rather than face the fear of another failed diet.  Ashamed because if I really loved and wanted what was best for my kids then failure would not be an option.     Ashamed of all the times I had tried and failed before.  Ashamed of all the promises I had made (mostly to myself) and broken.  And then I just decided…

to live for them.  My first reaction was to keep it a secret.  I told my husband, my sister, and a few close friends.  But the more I thought about it, I decided that all the secrecy is part of the problem.  It helps with the denial.  So, here it is for everyone to see.  My thoughts, my fears, my struggles, my failures,  and hopefully some successes.  I think even people who are very close to me will learn more about me through this blog.  I think you’ll learn just how deep my faith is.  I think you’ll learn just how scared I am to fail.  I think some will learn that I’m not as sweet as you thought and others will learn that I’m not as mean as you thought.  I hope I learn to trust more.  Because after a lifetime of giving up when the going got tough, running away, and shutting people out, I am now standing at a cross roads.  I know the statistics are stacked against me.  I know this is going to be the fight of my life.  I know the path I am choosing is narrow and hard to walk, but I also know this – “small is the gate and narrow the path that leads to life” (Matthew 7:14 )  And I’m ready to live. 

It’s been two weeks since that day and I have lost 15 pounds.  Don’t get too excited.  My doctor said that I am so overweight and so out of shape that the first 50 would fall off with just a little change.  Don’t get me wrong, I am proud of what I’ve done and the changes I’ve made.  I just don’t want to get over excited.  The going hasn’t gotten tough, yet.   This is definitely going to be a marathon and not a sprint.  My first goal…lose 30 pounds in 3 months.  So, June 23^rd is the big day.  I have to lose and keep off 30 pounds.  So, come along for the ride or just say a prayer for me.  Either way, here I go…The Narrow Path.